Posted in Humor - General, Movies - General, Uncategorized

Chris Rock’s morning at the Oscars

Oscars

[Where I imagine how Chris Rock’s morning would have been, as he was getting ready to host Oscars 2016.]

Meanwhile, somewhere inside the dark chambers of the 7th floor, in a corner meant for Jack Nicholson’s drinks and Mel Gibson’s Bible & his anti-semite rantbook, the marksman is oiling his bows and applying lacquer on his arrows (or the other way around..one could never tell in that darkness), while sharpening his nails at the same time. He looks a bit jittery as he works on his eyes. It is very evident that he is training hard and is preparing to take shots at those seldomly used dummy targets there in the corner. The tall building that is housing these targets is swaying quite violently in the storm that is passing through that morning, while the electricity supply has been erratic for the past 7–8 hours. The LED sign outside the building should have read “Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.”, but the storm had done some damage and at this moment, it reads “Nope. A Sad Discriminatory Team”.

In case you don’t know what AMPAS (short for Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) is, here you go:

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) is a self-applauding professional honorary organization, consisting of mostly white men over 50 years old, with the stated illusion of advancing the arts and sciences of motion pictures. The Academy’s corporate management and general policies are overseen by a highly self-serving Board of Governors, again mostly mostly men and may be mostly white. The board includes representatives who are picked based on their lobbying power from each of the craft branches.

The roster of the Academy’s approximately 6,000 motion picture professionals is a “closely guarded secret.” And it is not hard to understand why. While the great majority of its members are based in the United States, membership is open to qualified filmmakers around the world. Please note the phrase “it is open”, because all it means is that there is no mandate that the academy should have professionals from outside the US.

The Academy is known around the world for its annual Academy Awards, officially known as The “Oscars”, but more popularly known as The “Mery Streep Awards”.

Chris Rock, this year’s marksman, has everything going for him. He is funny, He is from New York and He is Black. Ok, not excatly everything going for him..But, you get the picture.

He continues to take aim at his dummy targets, without really being sure if Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the President of AMPAS, could overhear his whispering joke venoms attached to those arrows. In a conference room not too far from where Chris is, Cheryl is giving finishing touches to the list of presenters and performers for the evening, while her assistant is using her mobile phone as a source of light for Cheryl.

“Priyanka Chop..who?”, Cheryl wasn’t entirely sure who this was.
That girl from Quantico..”, her assistant yowls from her side.
Cheryl nods her head in acknowledgement. And a smile creeps in.

“You got that Chris..? Another non-white in the list..”, Cheryl yells from inside, hoping Chris could hear her.
“Now, enough with those #OscarsSoWhite jokes!”.

Chris shakes his head, takes some quick notes and starts talking to himself.

“Sofia, Priyanka, Dev, Benicio, Quincy, John Legend, Pharrell, Kerry, Byung-hun, Olivia Munn and Lady Gaga..Isn’t that such a diversified list we have this year?. Wow…Don’t think we have had a show full of so many diversified talent..err..from around the world..”.
The tone in the voice quite clearly underlines how proud Cheryl is with her almost final list.

“Olivia and Gaga in your diversity list?. Gotto be kidding me..”, Chris can’t take it. But, he looks completely helpless at this point.
“Cheryl, Do you remember that Trump-Black Panther joke? Is it in or out?..”, Chris yells back.

“Told ya..Stop calling Beyonce for hosting tips..”, Cheryl.
“So, that’s means it’s out..”, Chris strikes off one more in his list.
“At this rate, you might as well call Billy Crystal to host the show..!!”, a visibly displeased Chris.

A mobile phone rings.

“Hey Chris, This is Jada..Want to let you know how disappointed I am — we are.. actually… with you this year. You couldn’t even..”.

Chris goes back to the corner and takes a sip from a glass that resembles the ones they serve at Mos Eisley Cantina in Planet Tatooine and just then the power supply comes back on. Cheryl gets up from her chair, completely content with her list..and she starts walking out of the conference room, taking a quick glance at her list.

“Hmm, may be just to mix things up a bit, we should add Morgan Freeman and Reese Witherspoon to the list. What do you say Chris?”..

“..Of course. G-R-E-A-T Idea Cheryl. See you in the evening!!”.
“Chris, sweetie, no surprises this evening…Alright..?”

Chris Rock, now in a complete state of despair reaches into his pocket and picks up his phone.
“Ricky, My man!! Need your help…”.

 

Posted in Humor - General, Politics - General, Uncategorized

Presidential Debate – Valentine’s Weekend Special

Where, I let my imagination run wild and create a fictitious debate. It’s all satire. If you are offended, I am not sorry..

Screen Shot 2016-02-13 at 12.18.42 PM

Welcome to the CNN Presidential Valentine’s weekend Debate. This is a special edition debate. Given the overwhelming entertainment these debates seem to offer in this election season, we have decided to surprise the American public with this special edition. And what better way to show how much these politicians love America, than having them debate their love for you, during this Valentine’s weekend, when there is so much love in the air. 

We have a highly energetic audience here at the Trump Hotel, Las Vegas and this is a debate where we will be discussing all issues that affect American public.  I am Linda Amorouspour, your lovable moderator for this special edition of Presidential debate. Woof Blabber is here with me to offer random thoughts, to say obvious things and in general to act as a filler audio provider, whenever I need a break. Now, ladies and gentlemen, may we have the candidates on stage please?

 [DT: Donald Trump, TC: Ted Cruz MR: Marco Rubio JB: Jeb Bush CF: Carly Fiorina JK: John Kasich BC: Ben Carson RP: Rand Paul CC: Chris Christie BS: Bernie Sanders HC: Hillary Clinton MH: Mike Huckabee BJ: Bobby Jindal WB: Woof Blabber LA: Linda Amorouspour]

WB: Wait. Where is Dr. Carson? 
TC: Don’t you know he has already quit the race?
JB: No. He hasn’t. Stop spreading rumors. 

LA: Woof..looks like he didn’t hear his name being called. I don’t see Trump and Kasich as well..

WB: Let’s try this again..Dr. Carson..

<Meanwhile, backstage..>

DT: Doc, smart move!
BC: Hello, how are you?
DT: You pretended like you didn’t hear your name being called on stage. Didn’t you? That’s what I did anyways. Always good to get special attention. Anything to get on those news headlines..
BC: Sorry, what did you say?

<A few minutes later..>

LA: So, Sen. Rubio..What..
CC: See, there he does it again. I want the audience at home watching this to put their basket of popcorn aside and pay close attention to this..Sen. Rubio..
LA: But Gov., I haven’t even completed the question yet and Sen. Rubio, to be fair, hasn’t started answering yet..
CC: This is exactly what Washington does to you Linda. You have this memorized 25 second talking point that you keep going back to. 
MC: Enough Gov. I give you credit for sabotaging my chances in New Hampshire. But this notion that I don’t know what I am talking about is wrong. I know exactly what I am talking about. I have a clear agenda and I know I have a memorized 25 second talking point that I am supposed to go back to whenever I run out of things to say or when I get thirsty..
CC: There he does it again..

<A few minutes later..>

DT: Shhh…Jeb. Let me talk..Listen Linda, I don’t know how you got this job to be the moderator, that too for this special edition debate, when the whole world is tuning in to watch me insult you. I think you have clearly not read my bestseller “How to moderate Presidential Debates?”. Why don’t you read pages 21-34 during the next commercial break and come back prepared? Hey Woof, seriously? This is your lovable moderator from CNN..? This is the best you’ve got? Couldn’t you find that other pretty face at CNN..who is it..yeah, Anthony Clipper..??
JB: Donald, That’s crossing the line. 
DT: Which line Jeb? The one your mom drew and asked you not to cross it? Huh..?
JB: <Shaking his head>..You are a moron.
DT: Shhh..Don’t talk Jeb. It’s my turn. It’s always my turn to speak.
JB: Yes, America knows that by now…ha ha..They are tired of seeing your face on TV screens. 
<Audience silent>
JB: Can I get a round of applause please?

<A few minutes later..>

LA: In this section of the debate, we will move onto a very important topic that is really..

..
LA: Doctor Carson, We can’t hear you.
TC: That’s exactly the problem Linda. The likes of Dr. Carson create so much disruption to the fundamental principles of our founding fathers and the constitution they so wonderfully have carved for our great country. I really don’t know how a man of Dr. Carson’s color could get a degree in Medical Sciences. It is really not God’s will. Don’t you see the problem with America in the last 7 years? How Obama’s racist policies are paving the way to create neurosurgeons like Dr. Carson? 
CF: I agree with Sen. Cruz. He is onto something. I have video proof and I have seen those videos myself, where President Obama is discussing with his cabinet to decide how to fill this country with doctors of color.
JK: Sen. Cruz and ..and..I don’t know how to prefix your name Carly..should I say, failed CEO Fiorina..?? anyways, you are getting into a dangerous territory here. Firstly, the country already has many doctors of color. In case you haven’t been to a hospital lately. Secondly..
MR: Secondly, this notion that Obama doesn’t know what he is doing is completely wrong. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is…
CC: There..There..See what I am saying.

<A few minutes later…>

HR: See Linda, isn’t that obvious how much Sen. Sanders hates Obama by now? I love him. Not, Sanders. I meant, I love President Obama. Everything he does and everything he did. In fact I have asked my husband to bake a chocolate cake for Valentine’s day for Mr. & Mrs. Obama. Talking about husbands, Bo and Sunny are the best dogs ever. Sen. Sanders doesn’t like dogs because he thinks only rich people can afford to have dogs. You should shed your stiffness a bit Senator. Loosen up and play with some dogs. Or grandkids. Looks like younger voters can’t relate to you. Look at my supporters. They can teach you a thing or two about how to attract young voters. 
BS: Yeah Right…Secy. Clinton, with all due respect and with more respect, I respectfully disagree with you. Bo and Sunny are not the best dogs ever. And no, I never said I hate Obama. Unlike you, a wealthy NY senator who can afford to delegate her husband to bake a cake and to have Goldman Sachs pony up the costI am baking a Valentine’s day cake myself for the first family and the total cost is only $27. I am doing it with all the love only I can offer.
..
..
<6 hours and 43 minutes later>
WB:.It’s 3:43 AM. 3:43 AM Eastern to be specific. Which would make it only 12:43 AM Pacific. And, the question really is, what time is it really in Chicago? Is it 11:43 PM or 2:43 AM? Of course, it is 2:43 AM. Chicago is only an hour behind New York, which as all the candidates know is on the Eastern Time Zone. What do you think Linda?
LA: Wow Woof. You are right. This has been a long evening. I think it’s time to wrap this baby up. Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your patience and all the cheering & booing. We are going to ask the candidates who are here to close their debate performance tonight with a Valentine’s day special poem..Isn’t that the most appropriate thing to do? Doctor Carson, we will start with you.

..
..
Ben Carson
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
My clothes are dirty
I’ve got some laundry to do

John Kasich
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
St. Peters just called me
And he wants me to hug you

Bobby Jindal
Roses are white
Violets are white
You are absolutely right
I am the whitest of white

Chris Christie
Roses are bloody Red
Violets are blistering Blue
I don’t have time for idiots
I want to beat their rear ends till they turn black and blue

Bernie Sanders
Roses are a Red revolution
Violets are a Blue revolution
1% and 27 aren’t just numbers
At least, till we have an equal solution

Mike Huckabee
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
To Duggar and Davis, I am the Jesus
Watch me bomb the muslims into pieces

Marco Rubio
The notion that Roses are Red
The notion that Violets are Blue
And all that you have read
Is just not true

Rand Paul
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Let’s get rid of Fed
‘Cos this life is only about you

Carly Fiorina
Roses are Fiery Red
Violets are Fiery Blue
I dream of  videos
Where the next one to be fired is you

Donald Trump
I don’t care much for Roses
I don’t care much for Violets
My ego is so Yuuuge
So, I’m going to break the rules, by making this poem not rhyme
And I will make writing Valentine’s day poem great again!

Jeb Bush
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Am not anyone’s puppet except may be of some special interests’
Trump can’t even complete a poem. See I can tell a joke or two..

..Clap please!..

Ted Cruz
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I wouldn’t say I hate you all
But I would carpet bomb every non-Christian who is who…
….

<32 minutes later>
And I will eat them in the house
And I will eat them with a mouse
Say! I will eat them anywhere..

LA: Excuse me, Senator..We will have to cut you off now. You are clearly reading those lines from Green Eggs and Ham. Secretary Clinton, your turn now.

Hillary Clinton
Roses are Red..well..may be
Violets are Blue..well..may be
Does it really matter? all that matters is
I can see them whichever way you want them to be

LA: That’s all we have time for tonight from Las Vegas. But before we close this debate tonight..

Sarah Palin’s voice echoes through the speakers.

LA: Is that Gov. Palin? How..where??
SP: Ha..you betcha..it is the grizzly mama..from Wasilla in the icy cold weather of bear huntin’ Alaskan native, who likes to make sure the voice of the great governor err..ex-governor as the liberal media would like to call me is heard without any interruption..
LA: Gov., how did you get connected to our system here?
SP: That’s easy Linda. Ask the next president of our great nation, Donald J Trump and he will tell you how I am speaking to you all now.
LA: So..

Sarah Palin
Red may be the roses for holy rollers
But in Murica we are the rock & rollers
God thumpin’ Violets are not blue at all
You the gun slingin’ god fearin’ beer chuggin’
See, I don’t even have to make an effort..to come up with a poem
Funy ahem..not funny..
Can I get a Hallelujah?

Woof Blabber: <Abruptly cutting Sarah Palin off>…That’s it from The Trump Hotel, Las Vegas. Thank you all for joining us. Have a good night!

<As the credits roll on the TV screens, one could hear Linda joking to Woof..>

LA: You know what Gov. Rick Perry’s poem would have been?

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Oops..What’s the third line?
<An echo of laughter follows..>

 

 

 

Posted in Movies - General, Uncategorized

Jil Jung Juk

953471010Jil_Jung_Juk_Official_Teaser

Three ring leaders. Two of them are into drug trafficking. The third one specializes in kidnapping and oil gouging. They all need to survive by cashing out, as the socioeconomics of the world around them is pushing them to their brinks, because such is the time in future they live in. In short, theirs is a Kokkumaakkaana Ulagam . Then there is a chemist/pharmacist, who is capable of disguising drugs in the form of everyday objects through his magical scientific inventions. And, that is enough reason for the first drug don to hire him. This don has a driver and a yes-man assistant to travel with, even though the latter decides to betray his boss by colluding with the second drug traffic crime leader. Remember, all three crime leaders have their own battalions of henchmen, who all are also trying to survive in this kokkumaakkaana ulagam. The oil gouging specialist, in the meantime, gets a whiff of that last hurrah of a drug peddling heist that his arch enemy, aka, the first drug smuggling kingpin, decides to indulge in, before law enforcement & all things apocalyptic in the world catch up with him. How does he get a whiff of it? Through a series of unfortunate events set in motion by three small time crooks, who were hired by the first drug smuggling kingpin. Now, these three crooks are neither trying to mastermind a hijack of the heist of their lifetime, in their favor, nor are they trying to show off their heroics, but they are simply being caught in the moment, as they heuristically try to come out of dire life threatening situations, they are made to encounter one after another, as a result of their continuous incompetent & comical errors.

That pretty much is the plot of “Jil Jung Juk”, where Deeraj Vaidy (Note: No H in his name) tries to go Guy Ritchie and in the process brings out a completely original and a localized shade of Lock, Stock and Smoking Barrels to Thamizh cinema. An absolute refresher of a movie and a thoroughly enjoyable ride this one, where Deeraj follows these three crooks, played deftly by Siddharth (Jil), Avinash (Jung) and Sanath (Juk), as they try to disentangle the knot, they messily made in the first place.

The screenplay is taut but not very crisp. Radharavi’s and Nasser’s roles stand out, while the direction is above par for a debutante. However, what make the ‘Jil Jung Juk’ experience unique are the graphics/art, the choice of ‘color’ for the movie, editing and music in that order. Dialogues, in particular are likely to keep the younger audience alive & laughing in the movie halls, while the plot itself may keep some audience away from the movie halls, simply because of how dark the screenplay is, albeit in a comical way. As much as it is a comedy, it is not your run of the mill slapstick humor, so Deeraj forces you to pay attention to the lines, which is good and bad. Many subtle funny one-liners may go unnoticed, but that’s mostly due to how dialogue rich this movie is. I wonder if less dialogues would have worked better to keep the humor tight.

By setting the story in future, Deeraj and his creative team have done a great job of avoiding any lavish sets. I guess the art director had to work on only two big outdoor sets – one being the ‘movie set’ and the other being Rawther’s oil silo storage. Rest of the outdoor shots are quiet cleverly shot in barren lands and roads, while the indoor sets for a pharmacy, bar, the second drug lord’s den were adequately done. Again, the cinematographer’s brilliance and the lighting ensured that a totally unseen futuristic time is brought in front of our eyes. But I wonder, why not set this story a little far away in future? Like 2030 or 2040? 2020 seems too close to us from 2016 that the kokkumaakkana ulagam Deeraj wanted to project seems a little hard to relate to, only because it is 2020 – only 4 years ahead.

This energetic team deserves a pat on their backs for taking a road, not taken before. And they have done that with a whacky, dark sense of humor and abundance of original creativity, which has been evident right throughout the pre-release promotion time.

PS:  Wish Deeraj had stayed away from using that ‘dark skinned African’ refrain, when he hilariously wrote that Uganda bit. The Uganda humor bit worked, but this refrain left a slight bad taste in me.

Posted in Humor - General, Politics - General, Uncategorized

Programming the Marcobot

It has been ages since I coded something in C. So, I had to do a quick refresher on “Programming in C” before I typed this. But didn’t have the patience to double check all syntaxes.
So, if this program doesn’t compile, you know why. On second thoughts, of course it shouldn’t compile. Get the drift? :p Screen Shot 2016-02-07 at 3.19.33 PM