Posted in Humor - General, Politics - General, Uncategorized

Presidential Debate – Valentine’s Weekend Special


Where, I let my imagination run wild and create a fictitious debate. It’s all satire. If you are offended, I am not sorry..

Screen Shot 2016-02-13 at 12.18.42 PM

Welcome to the CNN Presidential Valentine’s weekend Debate. This is a special edition debate. Given the overwhelming entertainment these debates seem to offer in this election season, we have decided to surprise the American public with this special edition. And what better way to show how much these politicians love America, than having them debate their love for you, during this Valentine’s weekend, when there is so much love in the air. 

We have a highly energetic audience here at the Trump Hotel, Las Vegas and this is a debate where we will be discussing all issues that affect American public.  I am Linda Amorouspour, your lovable moderator for this special edition of Presidential debate. Woof Blabber is here with me to offer random thoughts, to say obvious things and in general to act as a filler audio provider, whenever I need a break. Now, ladies and gentlemen, may we have the candidates on stage please?

 [DT: Donald Trump, TC: Ted Cruz MR: Marco Rubio JB: Jeb Bush CF: Carly Fiorina JK: John Kasich BC: Ben Carson RP: Rand Paul CC: Chris Christie BS: Bernie Sanders HC: Hillary Clinton MH: Mike Huckabee BJ: Bobby Jindal WB: Woof Blabber LA: Linda Amorouspour]

WB: Wait. Where is Dr. Carson? 
TC: Don’t you know he has already quit the race?
JB: No. He hasn’t. Stop spreading rumors. 

LA: Woof..looks like he didn’t hear his name being called. I don’t see Trump and Kasich as well..

WB: Let’s try this again..Dr. Carson..

<Meanwhile, backstage..>

DT: Doc, smart move!
BC: Hello, how are you?
DT: You pretended like you didn’t hear your name being called on stage. Didn’t you? That’s what I did anyways. Always good to get special attention. Anything to get on those news headlines..
BC: Sorry, what did you say?

<A few minutes later..>

LA: So, Sen. Rubio..What..
CC: See, there he does it again. I want the audience at home watching this to put their basket of popcorn aside and pay close attention to this..Sen. Rubio..
LA: But Gov., I haven’t even completed the question yet and Sen. Rubio, to be fair, hasn’t started answering yet..
CC: This is exactly what Washington does to you Linda. You have this memorized 25 second talking point that you keep going back to. 
MC: Enough Gov. I give you credit for sabotaging my chances in New Hampshire. But this notion that I don’t know what I am talking about is wrong. I know exactly what I am talking about. I have a clear agenda and I know I have a memorized 25 second talking point that I am supposed to go back to whenever I run out of things to say or when I get thirsty..
CC: There he does it again..

<A few minutes later..>

DT: Shhh…Jeb. Let me talk..Listen Linda, I don’t know how you got this job to be the moderator, that too for this special edition debate, when the whole world is tuning in to watch me insult you. I think you have clearly not read my bestseller “How to moderate Presidential Debates?”. Why don’t you read pages 21-34 during the next commercial break and come back prepared? Hey Woof, seriously? This is your lovable moderator from CNN..? This is the best you’ve got? Couldn’t you find that other pretty face at CNN..who is it..yeah, Anthony Clipper..??
JB: Donald, That’s crossing the line. 
DT: Which line Jeb? The one your mom drew and asked you not to cross it? Huh..?
JB: <Shaking his head>..You are a moron.
DT: Shhh..Don’t talk Jeb. It’s my turn. It’s always my turn to speak.
JB: Yes, America knows that by now…ha ha..They are tired of seeing your face on TV screens. 
<Audience silent>
JB: Can I get a round of applause please?

<A few minutes later..>

LA: In this section of the debate, we will move onto a very important topic that is really..

..
LA: Doctor Carson, We can’t hear you.
TC: That’s exactly the problem Linda. The likes of Dr. Carson create so much disruption to the fundamental principles of our founding fathers and the constitution they so wonderfully have carved for our great country. I really don’t know how a man of Dr. Carson’s color could get a degree in Medical Sciences. It is really not God’s will. Don’t you see the problem with America in the last 7 years? How Obama’s racist policies are paving the way to create neurosurgeons like Dr. Carson? 
CF: I agree with Sen. Cruz. He is onto something. I have video proof and I have seen those videos myself, where President Obama is discussing with his cabinet to decide how to fill this country with doctors of color.
JK: Sen. Cruz and ..and..I don’t know how to prefix your name Carly..should I say, failed CEO Fiorina..?? anyways, you are getting into a dangerous territory here. Firstly, the country already has many doctors of color. In case you haven’t been to a hospital lately. Secondly..
MR: Secondly, this notion that Obama doesn’t know what he is doing is completely wrong. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is…
CC: There..There..See what I am saying.

<A few minutes later…>

HR: See Linda, isn’t that obvious how much Sen. Sanders hates Obama by now? I love him. Not, Sanders. I meant, I love President Obama. Everything he does and everything he did. In fact I have asked my husband to bake a chocolate cake for Valentine’s day for Mr. & Mrs. Obama. Talking about husbands, Bo and Sunny are the best dogs ever. Sen. Sanders doesn’t like dogs because he thinks only rich people can afford to have dogs. You should shed your stiffness a bit Senator. Loosen up and play with some dogs. Or grandkids. Looks like younger voters can’t relate to you. Look at my supporters. They can teach you a thing or two about how to attract young voters. 
BS: Yeah Right…Secy. Clinton, with all due respect and with more respect, I respectfully disagree with you. Bo and Sunny are not the best dogs ever. And no, I never said I hate Obama. Unlike you, a wealthy NY senator who can afford to delegate her husband to bake a cake and to have Goldman Sachs pony up the costI am baking a Valentine’s day cake myself for the first family and the total cost is only $27. I am doing it with all the love only I can offer.
..
..
<6 hours and 43 minutes later>
WB:.It’s 3:43 AM. 3:43 AM Eastern to be specific. Which would make it only 12:43 AM Pacific. And, the question really is, what time is it really in Chicago? Is it 11:43 PM or 2:43 AM? Of course, it is 2:43 AM. Chicago is only an hour behind New York, which as all the candidates know is on the Eastern Time Zone. What do you think Linda?
LA: Wow Woof. You are right. This has been a long evening. I think it’s time to wrap this baby up. Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your patience and all the cheering & booing. We are going to ask the candidates who are here to close their debate performance tonight with a Valentine’s day special poem..Isn’t that the most appropriate thing to do? Doctor Carson, we will start with you.

..
..
Ben Carson
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
My clothes are dirty
I’ve got some laundry to do

John Kasich
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
St. Peters just called me
And he wants me to hug you

Bobby Jindal
Roses are white
Violets are white
You are absolutely right
I am the whitest of white

Chris Christie
Roses are bloody Red
Violets are blistering Blue
I don’t have time for idiots
I want to beat their rear ends till they turn black and blue

Bernie Sanders
Roses are a Red revolution
Violets are a Blue revolution
1% and 27 aren’t just numbers
At least, till we have an equal solution

Mike Huckabee
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
To Duggar and Davis, I am the Jesus
Watch me bomb the muslims into pieces

Marco Rubio
The notion that Roses are Red
The notion that Violets are Blue
And all that you have read
Is just not true

Rand Paul
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Let’s get rid of Fed
‘Cos this life is only about you

Carly Fiorina
Roses are Fiery Red
Violets are Fiery Blue
I dream of  videos
Where the next one to be fired is you

Donald Trump
I don’t care much for Roses
I don’t care much for Violets
My ego is so Yuuuge
So, I’m going to break the rules, by making this poem not rhyme
And I will make writing Valentine’s day poem great again!

Jeb Bush
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Am not anyone’s puppet except may be of some special interests’
Trump can’t even complete a poem. See I can tell a joke or two..

..Clap please!..

Ted Cruz
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I wouldn’t say I hate you all
But I would carpet bomb every non-Christian who is who…
….

<32 minutes later>
And I will eat them in the house
And I will eat them with a mouse
Say! I will eat them anywhere..

LA: Excuse me, Senator..We will have to cut you off now. You are clearly reading those lines from Green Eggs and Ham. Secretary Clinton, your turn now.

Hillary Clinton
Roses are Red..well..may be
Violets are Blue..well..may be
Does it really matter? all that matters is
I can see them whichever way you want them to be

LA: That’s all we have time for tonight from Las Vegas. But before we close this debate tonight..

Sarah Palin’s voice echoes through the speakers.

LA: Is that Gov. Palin? How..where??
SP: Ha..you betcha..it is the grizzly mama..from Wasilla in the icy cold weather of bear huntin’ Alaskan native, who likes to make sure the voice of the great governor err..ex-governor as the liberal media would like to call me is heard without any interruption..
LA: Gov., how did you get connected to our system here?
SP: That’s easy Linda. Ask the next president of our great nation, Donald J Trump and he will tell you how I am speaking to you all now.
LA: So..

Sarah Palin
Red may be the roses for holy rollers
But in Murica we are the rock & rollers
God thumpin’ Violets are not blue at all
You the gun slingin’ god fearin’ beer chuggin’
See, I don’t even have to make an effort..to come up with a poem
Funy ahem..not funny..
Can I get a Hallelujah?

Woof Blabber: <Abruptly cutting Sarah Palin off>…That’s it from The Trump Hotel, Las Vegas. Thank you all for joining us. Have a good night!

<As the credits roll on the TV screens, one could hear Linda joking to Woof..>

LA: You know what Gov. Rick Perry’s poem would have been?

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Oops..What’s the third line?
<An echo of laughter follows..>

 

 

 

Author:

Besides fantasizing about being a Peter Gibbons at least for a couple of days at my work, I think I have a long way to go to realize some of the other fantasies. But like any ambitious man out there, I will get there! Note: All views expressed in this blog are mine alone and have got nothing to do with my company Cogent IBS, Inc., its employees or any of its affiliates.

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