Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Short Story

The 100th Day

In the altar with Cardinal Daimonald Kertrump

                                                    Sketch By Ganpy

All days had been terrific till now. Hadn’t they been? Well, to be precise, there were rather many that were terrific till about 99 days ago. But there has not been a single terrific day since.

Today is the 100th day.

May be today is going to be different. At least, Daimonald Kertrump, the man at the helm is hoping it would be.

He calls his bird assistant and asks him to summon Prickly Reapus to the quad altar immediately. Then, he swiftly wears his orange mitre on his head, leaves the Bishops’ robes room and heads to the altar.

As Reapus enters the west nave, he starts walking towards the quad altar and when he is about 5 feet away, he notices that Bacchanal Sturanus, the Archbishop of White Supremacy is standing right behind Kertrump, holding the altar rail, trying hard not to make his state of stupor so obvious. His eyes are bloodshot red.

“I am so sorry”, says Reapus.

“Well, you should be..”, Kertrump.

“I didn’t know I was stepping on Mr. Jagged Koalemoshner’s toes. But, in my defense, My Lord, the Most Esteemed Cardinal, If I may say so, Mr. Koalemoshner’s toes seem to be everywhere. I mean, literally everywhere. May I ask, if it is even humanly possible? I would’ve asked him directly if only he could speak..”, Reapus trying to defend his actions.

“Didn’t follow a word of what you said. Before we speak on an important matter, I am gonna get me that caramelized drink from the south. Whatchamacallit? Hmm..Hey Reapus! Have you seen this? Look at this..I love this red button..”, Kertrump, with a childlike enthusiasm pushes the button.

Before Reapus gets ready to ask what that button is all about, he hears a loud groan of the slumping Bacchanal from behind.

“Bacchanal, You are so fat that you are casting your shadow all over me. Move away from the light. I don’t know which button I pressed…”, Kertrump, trying to locate the right red button.

“Where was I? Yes. It’s about that little boy Jagged. He is like my son. So, be careful what you want to bring to me about him Reap. It better have some real merit in it..”, Kertrump.

“Your Holiness, I have an urgent business to attend to in 15 minutes. If you’d let me, I will cancel that meeting, in the event, your eminence’s reason for summoning me here far exceeds the urgency of that of my oily conversation with one Mr. Trex..”, Reapus holding a palm sized device in his right hand.

“Yes. Of course. But we will be done soon..”, Kertrump continues.

“You know today marks the 100th day since I took charge of this Archdiocese. Before me, these churches were in a terrible shape. The congregation didn’t have proper seats to sit, the candles were half broken and people had brought candles from other places that shouldn’t belong here in the churches, the ceilings were so high, there were too many colors on the window panes instead of what God would’ve wanted — just white window panels, etc. etc. You know all that..?”

“Yes of course, Your Holiness..”, Reapus.

“Look at this church now. Isn’t it beautiful? Everything has changed..for the better..”, Kertrump’s gloating continues.

“Yes. You would be very right My Lord Cardinal. I will ignore the size of the congregation before you took over and what it is these days..”, Reapus.

“C’mon Reapus! I have had bigger congregations. When you walk out of the west nave, you should check out the pictures on the wall. But what I really want to know is why the Pope is so unimpressed with me? Why is the clergy not praising me?”, Kertrump’s voice shifts to a slightly sombre tone.

“My Lord! It must be the crooked path that connects the Vatican walls to the Basilica.. You should read the latest edition of the Vatican Journal..”, Reapus.

“When you say things like that Reap, I don’t know what to tell you or what to do with you. Do I look like I read? You know this is when I feel like I should say YES to Bacchana’s proposal. I won’t tell ya what it is…”, Kertrumper winks with difficulty.

“Well. My Eminent Cardinal, all I am saying is that the Vatican security has been infiltrated by fake sentinels and they are not letting real news reach the Pope..”, Reapus.

“That explains it. That explains it all. We can change that I think. We can kill those fake sentinels soon. But here is why I called you now. Since you are a magic man with words, tell me what is the one thing I can do on my 100th day that would make people forget everything that happened till now and they start talking about what happens today. In other words, what media considers as our 100 day achievements (as ridiculous as they sound), can easily be manipulated by this one thing I am going to do today. Or two things. I want to control their narraive. Like always..”, Kertrumper takes a sip of that caramelized sugar drink.

“Most Eminent Cardinal, I have a thought. Been thinking about it for a while. Here..”, Reapus, opening his phone.

All of a sudden, they hear a loud noise echoing through the high walls of the chamber all the way to the ceiling. It gets louder and louder as the bird assistant gets closer to the altar with a white phone in his hand. He is visibly panicking.

“Your Eminence, You must see this..”, the bird assistant stutters.

“Oh Shit..The wrong button..!!”, Kertrump starts trembling, as he brings his petite sweaty palms together and clasps himself tightly.

Posted in Donald Trump, Politics - General

In Defense of Free Press

I am not a journalist. I am not affiliated to any press or any media outlet.  I am just a normal citizen of this great country of United States of America.

What America witnessed yesterday (Jan 11, 2017) during President Elect Donald Trump’s press conference (the first one he had after getting elected and the first one he had in last 5-6 months) is the beginning of the slow dismantling of Free Press.

I don’t care if you agree with a particular media outlet or a particular journalist’s opinion or not. You have every right to live in your own bubble and voice your opinion wherever.
But take a step back.
Kick that apathy out of the door for a second.
Keep your politics aside for a moment and ask yourself this simple question.

Why should any responsible citizen of this democratic country normalize this? If you say we should normalize this behavior and continue to give chances to this kind of behavior, do you even for a second realize what that kind of thought process leads to and more importantly do you realize by doing so, what values you as an individual will be passing on to your future generations?

Think about it. Read the history books to understand how every authoritarian regime around the world had come about.

Authoritarians don’t have any special power to create their regimes overnight. They feel the weakness of their citizens. They exploit them to their advantage. They understand the psyche of their subjects. They play to their vulnerable sides and take advantage of them .

And in the end, it is the citizens who succumb to the appeal and in the process pave way for an authoritarian to take over their lives.  It’s us who voluntarily let an authoritarian take over our lives and let them build a regime.

It’s time now. To Fight. To Speak up.

For the next few years, or months or days, however long it takes to stand up against this man and his administration, which will do anything to crush the values of democracy that this country built 240 years ago and the ones that we continue to make better every single day.  Because these values matter.

Let’s not forget that.

Fight for your right as a citizen and Fight for your fellow citizen’s right, equally.

And stand up for FREE PRESS.

Down with Authoritarianism and Down with Trumptarianism. 

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Politics - General, Satire

The Facebook Cabinet

A sneak peek into the first 7 days of President Donald Trump’s administration

If what we have seen of Mr. Trump till now is anything to go by, then we can expect the 45th President Elect of our country to disrupt how day to day activities of his White House administration are going to be performed. We have already gotten a hint, that he is going to do away with day to day press briefings. This means the entire White House press corps will be out of job. This also means there won’t be any WHCD, or will there be one without the President?

Also, my bet is on Trump to influence everyone in his cabinet to use social media for day to day administrative activities.

Here is a sneak peek into the first week of what the cabinet meetings/decisions/interactions would look like after Mr. Trump takes oath.

Jan 20, 2017

Mr. Trump, sends out a tweet in the morning, about how excited he is, how much he is looking forward to making America great again and why moving into the White House from Trump Tower is such a depressing thing to do for him. Then, he and his entourage, including his wife, children and grand children, make a grand entry into the National Mall area, either on a helicopter or on a horse drawn carriage with confetti. His hand picked cabinet is already there and they all are getting introduced to each other.

Then the oath ceremonies take place, including Kanye West singing the National Anthem. Ted Nugent follows it up with a two song performance where he uses an AK-47 as his percussion instrument. Then Andrea Bocelli brings the house down with 5 songs, that only about a dozen people seem to enjoy.

In the evening, Mr. Trump attends two presidential balls, both of which are telecast on facebook live. Kellyanne Conway is responsible for using Mr. Trump’s phone to do facebook live at both the balls. The evening ends on a happy note for team Trump.

Jan 21, 2017

The 45th President starts his presidential duties..

By 7 AM, he is getting on the nerves of Elaine Cho, the Transportation Secretary.

Jan 22, 2017

Rick Perry, the Energy Secretary, is itching to get some action.

Jan 23, 2017

Betsy DeVos, the Education Secretary has some big plans and she has been waiting for this day to make this announcement. As someone who has “devoted her life” for education and children, this is something she has really thought through.

Meanwhile, Scott Pruitt, the EPA Chief, much like Betsy DeVos, has spent most of his life working on Environmental policies, especially developing policies to bring catastrophes of the highest magnitude to this planet in the shortest possible time.

Jan 24, 2017

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State, someone who is not new to oil, is already working hard and has embarked upon his first official foreign travel.

The Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin is ready to make a big policy announcement as well. He has been working behind the scenes on this for almost two months and it’s time now to make it officiail.

Jan 25, 2017

Must be a slow day by Mr. Trump’s cabinet standards.

Jan 26, 2017

This is the day, all of America would be shocked and surprised. VP Pence, decides to share the big news. One that fulfils a campaign promise. Yes, that’s right. Mr. Trump actually fulfils a campaign promise in 6 days. Just 6 days.

Jan 27, 2017

The first week is almost over and who better to round it off than Tom Price, the Secretary of HHS? Another campaign promise fulfilled. Whoa!

Jan 27, 2017

James N. Mattis, the Defense Secretary, has been asked to deal with some “domestic” issues. But no one really notices the massive national security risk this may have imposed.

Towards the end of the day, the White House counsel steps in to declare the results of the first week.

What a week!

Note: If you are wondering how those ridculously high numbers of likes for certain posts or comments came about, here’s the secret…
Shhhh!!
It’s the Russians. They hack into everything.

Disclaimer: This is satirical work. All images were created using a photoshop like tool and the views expressed in the images are fictional.

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Satire, Uncategorized

“World Series was Rigged”, Trump

GOP Presidential candidate was quick to slam Cubs, while offering sympathies to Indians

Nov 03, 2016
Cleveland — Fictional Bureau

With less than a week to go for the Presidential elections and with the state of Ohio still up for grabs & perhaps within his reach, Donald J Trump did what Donald J Trump normally does. He cried foul.

As soon as news started pouring out from Cleveland that Chicago Cubs have won the world series, the presidential candidate was quick to register his sympathies for Cleveland Indians through a tweet, may be because they are a team from Ohio. We can’t find a single real reason why he would hate Chicago other than the fact that President Obama is from Chicago and Hillary Clinton was born in Chicago.

Here’s the tweet he sent out as soon as he found out that Cubs had won.

During the press conference that was held a few minutes ago, when a reporter in the room asked what his proof was to the claim that world series has been rigged, his campaign manager shared a copy of an email that has been obtained from the latest wikileaks hack job. This was an email apparently sent by Donna Brazile to the Cubs manager Joe Maddon.

When our reporter further insisted on more proof, Mr. Trump threw this printed “conspiracy” image on our reporter’s face and walked away.

As Mr. Trump was walking out of the hotel lobby, he turned towards the reporter and said,

“..If you can’t confirm from that image that the world series has been rigged, especially that Game 7 has been rigged tremendously, then I am not sure you deserve to be a reporter. I think even you are rigged bigly…” .

Note: This was the image that Mr. Trump dropped on our reporter’s face.

Supposedly THE image that has all the evidence we need, to confirm that the world series was rigged

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece with photoshopped images (including that of the Donald Trump tweet), published with an intention to humor those who enjoy such pieces.

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Politics - General, Satire

Donald Trump announces his VP Pick

And surprises everyone

New York — (Fictional Bureau) May 20, 2016

10:45 AM

In what is widely being perceived as a surprise move, the leading GOP Presidential Nominee Mr. Donald Trump announced his running mate for the 2016 General Elections, catching everyone in his staff completely off-guard, once again. It was confirmed by Dr. Ben Carson, the chair of his VP candidates search committee, that even he was not aware of Donald Trump’s pick till the eleventh hour. Going one step further, Dr. Carson shocked everyone by stating that he hadn’t even heard of the running mate’s name till Mr. Trump whispered it in his ears.

The Republican Presidential candidate, on Tuesday, announced that his VP pick is an outsider just like him and is someone who will prove to the world how irresponsible the media has been all along on their manufactured stories revolving around his ‘alleged’ misogynistic behavior and divisive & discriminatory words and deeds. By picking a woman of Hispanic origin as his running mate for the 2016 general elections, the likely GOP nominee has perhaps made his first move to win the trust of both women and hispanic voters, amongst whom, he is currently polling at less than 5% nationwide as per the latest liberal media polls.

Juannita Millerina

No one knows much about Mr. Trump’s VP pick Ms. Juannita Millerina at this point of time, except that she was a 2002 Miss Universe contestant. Mr. Trump and Ms. Millerina worked closely together to fix the final outcome of that year’s contest, which Ms. Millerina eventually won. It is rumored that they may have developed a very healthy professional relationship since then, although very little information is available to indicate under what capacity Ms. Millerina may have been working for Mr. Trump or his Miss Universe pageant organization, all these years.

11:58 AM

BREAKING

Reliable sources confirm that Donald Trump’s VP pick is none other than Donald Trump himself posing as a Latino woman named Juannita Millerina.

We cannot confirm yet if it was Donald Trump who posed as Juannita Millerina to win the 2002 Miss Universe contest and if yes, then who may have posed as Donald Trump in the picture below.

Donald Trump with Juannita Millerina. 2002 Miss Universe Award Ceremony.
Donald Trump with Juannita Millerina. 2002 Miss Universe Award Ceremony.