Posted in Humor - General, On such things...

On being ‘useless’ and such things…

What’s the point of living through a whole life and attaining wisdom, if you can’t share it with others? It’s utterly useless, if you ask me.

I presume, it’s that exact premise which prompted me to write this blog post.

I have decided to share my wisdom. The wisdom that is all about being in a state of uselessness and why that’s not a bad thing, as long as you are wise enough to realize that you are useless.

Before I dig myself deeper here, let us qualify uselessness. And answer some basic questions.

1) What is being useless?
2) How difficult is it to be useless?
3) Can you really be useless?

Being useless

Firstly, useful or useless is a relative thing. We often associate being useful with an act that is beneficial to ‘others’. That’s where the problem begins and it’s all to do with our society. We live in a society where if we do nothing, by being still or silent and absolutely void of any stimuli, there is a negative stigma associated with it. The implication is that one is being useless. But in reality, by doing nothing, by creating that void for your mind and body, you are being extremely useful to yourself. Neuroscientists would agree with me when I say that the benefits that come out of being useless are tremendous for your own personal health.

How difficult is it to be useless?

The short answer is – It is very difficult. It needs extreme training and rigorous practice of doing nothing before you can perfect the art of being in a state of uselessness.
I am not kidding.

It was before the birth of Internet. A time when you would walk to the street and stop at the first restaurant to get food and didn’t have to look at Yelp for the 25 different choices you had within a 5 min walk radius & didn’t need to rely on the 256 reviews, before deciding to hail a cab to go to a restaurant 29 minutes away from home.

It was a more adventurous time, if you were up for it, or if you were the kind who didn’t want to torture yourself by processing information, then I guess you resigned everything to fate. Either way, this was also the time, when you could sit and stare at a tree while sitting on a park bench, and do absolutely nothing for hours together. There were no notifications or alerts to prompt you or remind you to check your phones. It was during this time, I practiced my skill. I am not saying that it was easy to be useless back then, it was a bit easier. I often had long periods of time before someone realized how useless I was. So, that kept my determination going. The bottomline is, it is much harder to be useless these days. Almost impossible. Unless, you become a Buddha and walk away from everything. Then you can try to become useless.

Can you really be useless?

I think the answer is yes. Although I am a bit split on this question. By answering this question, if I am being useful to you, then the very premise of this question is flawed. I think that somehow makes this state of being in utter uselessness a distorted reality. May be it doesn’t exist. Even when you are being useless to others, you are being useful to yourself.  Right?

That makes me think.
Wait..wait..I know, I know..

You the reader, you are one step ahead of me. I know what you want to ask.
Before you ask me, let me clarify this.  You are going to ask me if I thought Buddha was being useless.

I would say – YES. Buddha was able to attain all his wisdom, only after he forced himself into a state of being utterly useless.  I would imagine his whole exercise would have turned useless, if he had tried to do something instead of nothing.

Buddha attained wisdom. His wisdom entailed the beauty of doing nothing and why being in a blissful state of uselessness provides one happiness. But, What did he do after all that?

He shared his wisdom with everyone.

Damn!! He became useful.

I think I have lost my own plot here. Never mind.

As Bertrand Russell says, there is much pleasure gained from useless knowledge. Hope you gained much pleasure reading this.

You can read my other posts “On such things”, right here.

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Short Story

The 100th Day

In the altar with Cardinal Daimonald Kertrump

                                                    Sketch By Ganpy

All days had been terrific till now. Hadn’t they been? Well, to be precise, there were rather many that were terrific till about 99 days ago. But there has not been a single terrific day since.

Today is the 100th day.

May be today is going to be different. At least, Daimonald Kertrump, the man at the helm is hoping it would be.

He calls his bird assistant and asks him to summon Prickly Reapus to the quad altar immediately. Then, he swiftly wears his orange mitre on his head, leaves the Bishops’ robes room and heads to the altar.

As Reapus enters the west nave, he starts walking towards the quad altar and when he is about 5 feet away, he notices that Bacchanal Sturanus, the Archbishop of White Supremacy is standing right behind Kertrump, holding the altar rail, trying hard not to make his state of stupor so obvious. His eyes are bloodshot red.

“I am so sorry”, says Reapus.

“Well, you should be..”, Kertrump.

“I didn’t know I was stepping on Mr. Jagged Koalemoshner’s toes. But, in my defense, My Lord, the Most Esteemed Cardinal, If I may say so, Mr. Koalemoshner’s toes seem to be everywhere. I mean, literally everywhere. May I ask, if it is even humanly possible? I would’ve asked him directly if only he could speak..”, Reapus trying to defend his actions.

“Didn’t follow a word of what you said. Before we speak on an important matter, I am gonna get me that caramelized drink from the south. Whatchamacallit? Hmm..Hey Reapus! Have you seen this? Look at this..I love this red button..”, Kertrump, with a childlike enthusiasm pushes the button.

Before Reapus gets ready to ask what that button is all about, he hears a loud groan of the slumping Bacchanal from behind.

“Bacchanal, You are so fat that you are casting your shadow all over me. Move away from the light. I don’t know which button I pressed…”, Kertrump, trying to locate the right red button.

“Where was I? Yes. It’s about that little boy Jagged. He is like my son. So, be careful what you want to bring to me about him Reap. It better have some real merit in it..”, Kertrump.

“Your Holiness, I have an urgent business to attend to in 15 minutes. If you’d let me, I will cancel that meeting, in the event, your eminence’s reason for summoning me here far exceeds the urgency of that of my oily conversation with one Mr. Trex..”, Reapus holding a palm sized device in his right hand.

“Yes. Of course. But we will be done soon..”, Kertrump continues.

“You know today marks the 100th day since I took charge of this Archdiocese. Before me, these churches were in a terrible shape. The congregation didn’t have proper seats to sit, the candles were half broken and people had brought candles from other places that shouldn’t belong here in the churches, the ceilings were so high, there were too many colors on the window panes instead of what God would’ve wanted — just white window panels, etc. etc. You know all that..?”

“Yes of course, Your Holiness..”, Reapus.

“Look at this church now. Isn’t it beautiful? Everything has changed..for the better..”, Kertrump’s gloating continues.

“Yes. You would be very right My Lord Cardinal. I will ignore the size of the congregation before you took over and what it is these days..”, Reapus.

“C’mon Reapus! I have had bigger congregations. When you walk out of the west nave, you should check out the pictures on the wall. But what I really want to know is why the Pope is so unimpressed with me? Why is the clergy not praising me?”, Kertrump’s voice shifts to a slightly sombre tone.

“My Lord! It must be the crooked path that connects the Vatican walls to the Basilica.. You should read the latest edition of the Vatican Journal..”, Reapus.

“When you say things like that Reap, I don’t know what to tell you or what to do with you. Do I look like I read? You know this is when I feel like I should say YES to Bacchana’s proposal. I won’t tell ya what it is…”, Kertrumper winks with difficulty.

“Well. My Eminent Cardinal, all I am saying is that the Vatican security has been infiltrated by fake sentinels and they are not letting real news reach the Pope..”, Reapus.

“That explains it. That explains it all. We can change that I think. We can kill those fake sentinels soon. But here is why I called you now. Since you are a magic man with words, tell me what is the one thing I can do on my 100th day that would make people forget everything that happened till now and they start talking about what happens today. In other words, what media considers as our 100 day achievements (as ridiculous as they sound), can easily be manipulated by this one thing I am going to do today. Or two things. I want to control their narraive. Like always..”, Kertrumper takes a sip of that caramelized sugar drink.

“Most Eminent Cardinal, I have a thought. Been thinking about it for a while. Here..”, Reapus, opening his phone.

All of a sudden, they hear a loud noise echoing through the high walls of the chamber all the way to the ceiling. It gets louder and louder as the bird assistant gets closer to the altar with a white phone in his hand. He is visibly panicking.

“Your Eminence, You must see this..”, the bird assistant stutters.

“Oh Shit..The wrong button..!!”, Kertrump starts trembling, as he brings his petite sweaty palms together and clasps himself tightly.

Posted in Humor - General, Movies - General

Jimmy Kimmel’s Morning At The Oscars

Where I imagine Jimmy Kimmel’s morning on the day of the ceremony, as he gets ready to host Oscars 2017

“So did Ricky Gervais really help you Chris?”, Jimmy Kimmel was quite nervous and he wanted to get some tips from Chris Rock.

“Well. Not really Jimmy. Why do you ask?”, Chris Rock on the other side of the phone, perhaps in Bahamas or Jamaica, but surely on a Carribbean beach sipping his colorful drink.

“I don’t have to be the one saying this to you, but as you know your ratings were down 6% from previous year’s..”.

Silence.

“Chris, I know it was not you. And it had nothing to do with you. I think people feel this whole Oscar thing is rigged. There is less and less credibility around the awards. Some folks even call this the Fake Awards show..”, Jimmy trying to cheer Chris Rock up.

“Huh..Who said that?”, Chris Rock.

“That’s beside the point. Just want you to know that Cheryl is extremely proud of how you conducted yourself last year and she sends her best wishes to you. She likes you man..”, Jimmy Kimmel, now ready to move on.

“Do well Jimmy. Think you have an easier job this year. Or not. I don’t know. It’s good that a white man is hosting it this year. That’s all I can say. Good luck brother..”, Chris Rock hangs up.

“Fake Awards show? Who said that Jimmy? Who?”, Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the President of AMPAS, livid with anger.

“It’s a good thing that you are not on Twitter Cheryl. Let’s just say a man whose name would be referred to many times during the awards ceremony tonight without his actual name being called out, tweeted this out last night. You know who..”, Jimmy sipping his coffee while ensuring that his bowtie assistant was focused on his task of tying the knot.

“Oh Puhleeze! Not that we didn’t expect this, but doesn’t he have a more pressing job to do like sorting out his mess?”

“I wouldn’t know that Cheryl. Ok, I have an important question”, Jimmy going through his script on his iPad.

“Go on..”

“After Leonardo DiCaprio gives away the Oscar to Meryl Streep, I thought I could add this line, the one right here.”, Jimmy pointing at his iPad.
“..’Coz we all know what Meryl is going to say and how she is going to get a standing ovation..”,
 Jimmy, earnest as always.

“You presumptuous bastard!!”, Cheryl pats on Jimmy’s back with a fake fit of anger.

“Alright. Alright. I was just trying to be prepared. That’s all. You do think it’s a good line. Don’t you?”, Jimmy.

“Whatever Jimmy. You know what to do. Just don’t embarrass us that’s all”,Cheryl smiling and yet subtly giving her approval for that specific joke.

Both Jimmy and Cheryl decided to take a break. They closed Cheryl’s office door and started walking in the dark alley towards the kitchen area. The dark corridors were eerily dark even on an awards ceremony morning and this year there wasn’t even a power outage unlike last year.

Then all of a sudden, Jimmy tripped over an object which wasn’t quite visible in that darkness. He stumbled over the object, tried hard to balance himself, but failed miserably and ended up falling on that cabinet holding Jack Nicholson’s special drinks. The fall itself wasn’t too bad going by bodily injuries. Jimmy Kimmel just bruised his elbow thanks to the sharp edges of the cabinet. And the cabinet somehow survived the weight of Jimmy Kimmel and it didn’t move an inch. The small table next to it, which holds Mel Gibson’s Bible and Tom Cruise’s personal copy of Ron Hubbard’s Scientology scripture had been disturbed a bit as a result of the jolt, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed.

Jimmy suddenly felt a hand on his shoulders. Almost felt like it was trying to pull him up in a manner of helping him.

“Hey, Matt! What are you doing here?”, Jimmy puzzled to see his enemy standing right behind him.

“Jimmy, I came here to offer truce. I want to end our rivalry tonight on stage. And I then saw you and Cheryl walk towards the kitchen. I saw you take a stumble. Tried to help you man..That’s all. Hope you didn’t hurt yourself so bad that you have to withdraw from hosting tonight’s ceremony..”, Matt Damon, with a sarcastic look on his face.

Meanwhile, the flickering lights on the ceiling stablized a bit and there was better visibility on the corridor.

Jimmy looked up Matt with confusion and then he looked down to see the object he tripped over. Cheryl, who had gone ahead of Jimmy to get her coffee from the kitchen came running back after hearing all the noises in the corridor, with a cup in her hands. She too was surprised to see Matt Damon there.

Jimmy picked up the suitcase from the floor.

“This can’t be. Is this the PwC ballot case?”, Jimmy.

“What? Please don’t tell me that we have compromised ourselves..”, Cheryl, shocked in horror as she looks down.

The suitcase was wide open and the cards that hold the Oscar winners’ names were strewn all over the carpet. They hadn’t been sealed inside the envelopes yet.

“You miserable Matt! You damning Damon!
I know you did this. You did it to ruin my evening..”
, Jimmy started screaming with a maddening rage.

Matt Damon wiped the smile off his face, wore his shades, and started running towards the door.

Of the many cards that lay bare on the carpet, at least 7 of them had the same text on them.

“La La Land”.

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Politics - General, Satire

The Facebook Cabinet

A sneak peek into the first 7 days of President Donald Trump’s administration

If what we have seen of Mr. Trump till now is anything to go by, then we can expect the 45th President Elect of our country to disrupt how day to day activities of his White House administration are going to be performed. We have already gotten a hint, that he is going to do away with day to day press briefings. This means the entire White House press corps will be out of job. This also means there won’t be any WHCD, or will there be one without the President?

Also, my bet is on Trump to influence everyone in his cabinet to use social media for day to day administrative activities.

Here is a sneak peek into the first week of what the cabinet meetings/decisions/interactions would look like after Mr. Trump takes oath.

Jan 20, 2017

Mr. Trump, sends out a tweet in the morning, about how excited he is, how much he is looking forward to making America great again and why moving into the White House from Trump Tower is such a depressing thing to do for him. Then, he and his entourage, including his wife, children and grand children, make a grand entry into the National Mall area, either on a helicopter or on a horse drawn carriage with confetti. His hand picked cabinet is already there and they all are getting introduced to each other.

Then the oath ceremonies take place, including Kanye West singing the National Anthem. Ted Nugent follows it up with a two song performance where he uses an AK-47 as his percussion instrument. Then Andrea Bocelli brings the house down with 5 songs, that only about a dozen people seem to enjoy.

In the evening, Mr. Trump attends two presidential balls, both of which are telecast on facebook live. Kellyanne Conway is responsible for using Mr. Trump’s phone to do facebook live at both the balls. The evening ends on a happy note for team Trump.

Jan 21, 2017

The 45th President starts his presidential duties..

By 7 AM, he is getting on the nerves of Elaine Cho, the Transportation Secretary.

Jan 22, 2017

Rick Perry, the Energy Secretary, is itching to get some action.

Jan 23, 2017

Betsy DeVos, the Education Secretary has some big plans and she has been waiting for this day to make this announcement. As someone who has “devoted her life” for education and children, this is something she has really thought through.

Meanwhile, Scott Pruitt, the EPA Chief, much like Betsy DeVos, has spent most of his life working on Environmental policies, especially developing policies to bring catastrophes of the highest magnitude to this planet in the shortest possible time.

Jan 24, 2017

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State, someone who is not new to oil, is already working hard and has embarked upon his first official foreign travel.

The Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin is ready to make a big policy announcement as well. He has been working behind the scenes on this for almost two months and it’s time now to make it officiail.

Jan 25, 2017

Must be a slow day by Mr. Trump’s cabinet standards.

Jan 26, 2017

This is the day, all of America would be shocked and surprised. VP Pence, decides to share the big news. One that fulfils a campaign promise. Yes, that’s right. Mr. Trump actually fulfils a campaign promise in 6 days. Just 6 days.

Jan 27, 2017

The first week is almost over and who better to round it off than Tom Price, the Secretary of HHS? Another campaign promise fulfilled. Whoa!

Jan 27, 2017

James N. Mattis, the Defense Secretary, has been asked to deal with some “domestic” issues. But no one really notices the massive national security risk this may have imposed.

Towards the end of the day, the White House counsel steps in to declare the results of the first week.

What a week!

Note: If you are wondering how those ridculously high numbers of likes for certain posts or comments came about, here’s the secret…
Shhhh!!
It’s the Russians. They hack into everything.

Disclaimer: This is satirical work. All images were created using a photoshop like tool and the views expressed in the images are fictional.

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Satire, Uncategorized

“World Series was Rigged”, Trump

GOP Presidential candidate was quick to slam Cubs, while offering sympathies to Indians

Nov 03, 2016
Cleveland — Fictional Bureau

With less than a week to go for the Presidential elections and with the state of Ohio still up for grabs & perhaps within his reach, Donald J Trump did what Donald J Trump normally does. He cried foul.

As soon as news started pouring out from Cleveland that Chicago Cubs have won the world series, the presidential candidate was quick to register his sympathies for Cleveland Indians through a tweet, may be because they are a team from Ohio. We can’t find a single real reason why he would hate Chicago other than the fact that President Obama is from Chicago and Hillary Clinton was born in Chicago.

Here’s the tweet he sent out as soon as he found out that Cubs had won.

During the press conference that was held a few minutes ago, when a reporter in the room asked what his proof was to the claim that world series has been rigged, his campaign manager shared a copy of an email that has been obtained from the latest wikileaks hack job. This was an email apparently sent by Donna Brazile to the Cubs manager Joe Maddon.

When our reporter further insisted on more proof, Mr. Trump threw this printed “conspiracy” image on our reporter’s face and walked away.

As Mr. Trump was walking out of the hotel lobby, he turned towards the reporter and said,

“..If you can’t confirm from that image that the world series has been rigged, especially that Game 7 has been rigged tremendously, then I am not sure you deserve to be a reporter. I think even you are rigged bigly…” .

Note: This was the image that Mr. Trump dropped on our reporter’s face.

Supposedly THE image that has all the evidence we need, to confirm that the world series was rigged

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Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece with photoshopped images (including that of the Donald Trump tweet), published with an intention to humor those who enjoy such pieces.

Posted in Humor - General, Miscellaneous

Know your Halloween Candy Giver Types

Last night, when I was walking around the neighborhood with my daughter (my son, who is 12 now went trick-or-treating on his own with a friend…sigh!! They do grow up fast..), I realized that I was enjoying this experience of being in the block in a semi-dark ambiance, running into known and mostly unknown faces. We normally exchange quick pleasantries and wish each other “Happy Halloween”. But since this kind of face to face exchanges with my neighbors (so many at a time) don’t happen that often on a regular basis, this experience has always been special.

All of us, the trick-or-treaters, walking around on a Halloween evening had a purpose of joy, one that of simply letting our kids collect candies (or whatever) and had a purpose of satisfaction, one that of seeing the kids’ faces let out bright smiles, when they walk back to the road victoriously after each conquest. Also, that hour or two is a great equalizer for all of us neighbors (we have some 200 plus houses in our subdivision). Because the evening of Halloween brings everyone in the neighborhood out to walk  on the same trail.

Years of walking around the block with my kids on Halloween night has also given me a unique perspective on how each house (including ours) prepares for the Trick-or-Treat affair on October 31. And how I can classify these candy givers. Of course, this is a fun exercise and I could have done this classification based on what candies they give or based on so many other factors. But I decided to take this approach.

Here you go:

Halloween Candy Giver Types.jpg

Which type are you?