Posted in Humor - General, On such things...

On being ‘useless’ and such things…

What’s the point of living through a whole life and attaining wisdom, if you can’t share it with others? It’s utterly useless, if you ask me.

I presume, it’s that exact premise which prompted me to write this blog post.

I have decided to share my wisdom. The wisdom that is all about being in a state of uselessness and why that’s not a bad thing, as long as you are wise enough to realize that you are useless.

Before I dig myself deeper here, let us qualify uselessness. And answer some basic questions.

1) What is being useless?
2) How difficult is it to be useless?
3) Can you really be useless?

Being useless

Firstly, useful or useless is a relative thing. We often associate being useful with an act that is beneficial to ‘others’. That’s where the problem begins and it’s all to do with our society. We live in a society where if we do nothing, by being still or silent and absolutely void of any stimuli, there is a negative stigma associated with it. The implication is that one is being useless. But in reality, by doing nothing, by creating that void for your mind and body, you are being extremely useful to yourself. Neuroscientists would agree with me when I say that the benefits that come out of being useless are tremendous for your own personal health.

How difficult is it to be useless?

The short answer is – It is very difficult. It needs extreme training and rigorous practice of doing nothing before you can perfect the art of being in a state of uselessness.
I am not kidding.

It was before the birth of Internet. A time when you would walk to the street and stop at the first restaurant to get food and didn’t have to look at Yelp for the 25 different choices you had within a 5 min walk radius & didn’t need to rely on the 256 reviews, before deciding to hail a cab to go to a restaurant 29 minutes away from home.

It was a more adventurous time, if you were up for it, or if you were the kind who didn’t want to torture yourself by processing information, then I guess you resigned everything to fate. Either way, this was also the time, when you could sit and stare at a tree while sitting on a park bench, and do absolutely nothing for hours together. There were no notifications or alerts to prompt you or remind you to check your phones. It was during this time, I practiced my skill. I am not saying that it was easy to be useless back then, it was a bit easier. I often had long periods of time before someone realized how useless I was. So, that kept my determination going. The bottomline is, it is much harder to be useless these days. Almost impossible. Unless, you become a Buddha and walk away from everything. Then you can try to become useless.

Can you really be useless?

I think the answer is yes. Although I am a bit split on this question. By answering this question, if I am being useful to you, then the very premise of this question is flawed. I think that somehow makes this state of being in utter uselessness a distorted reality. May be it doesn’t exist. Even when you are being useless to others, you are being useful to yourself.  Right?

That makes me think.
Wait..wait..I know, I know..

You the reader, you are one step ahead of me. I know what you want to ask.
Before you ask me, let me clarify this.  You are going to ask me if I thought Buddha was being useless.

I would say – YES. Buddha was able to attain all his wisdom, only after he forced himself into a state of being utterly useless.  I would imagine his whole exercise would have turned useless, if he had tried to do something instead of nothing.

Buddha attained wisdom. His wisdom entailed the beauty of doing nothing and why being in a blissful state of uselessness provides one happiness. But, What did he do after all that?

He shared his wisdom with everyone.

Damn!! He became useful.

I think I have lost my own plot here. Never mind.

As Bertrand Russell says, there is much pleasure gained from useless knowledge. Hope you gained much pleasure reading this.

You can read my other posts “On such things”, right here.

Posted in Donald Trump, Humor - General, Short Story

The 100th Day

In the altar with Cardinal Daimonald Kertrump

                                                    Sketch By Ganpy

All days had been terrific till now. Hadn’t they been? Well, to be precise, there were rather many that were terrific till about 99 days ago. But there has not been a single terrific day since.

Today is the 100th day.

May be today is going to be different. At least, Daimonald Kertrump, the man at the helm is hoping it would be.

He calls his bird assistant and asks him to summon Prickly Reapus to the quad altar immediately. Then, he swiftly wears his orange mitre on his head, leaves the Bishops’ robes room and heads to the altar.

As Reapus enters the west nave, he starts walking towards the quad altar and when he is about 5 feet away, he notices that Bacchanal Sturanus, the Archbishop of White Supremacy is standing right behind Kertrump, holding the altar rail, trying hard not to make his state of stupor so obvious. His eyes are bloodshot red.

“I am so sorry”, says Reapus.

“Well, you should be..”, Kertrump.

“I didn’t know I was stepping on Mr. Jagged Koalemoshner’s toes. But, in my defense, My Lord, the Most Esteemed Cardinal, If I may say so, Mr. Koalemoshner’s toes seem to be everywhere. I mean, literally everywhere. May I ask, if it is even humanly possible? I would’ve asked him directly if only he could speak..”, Reapus trying to defend his actions.

“Didn’t follow a word of what you said. Before we speak on an important matter, I am gonna get me that caramelized drink from the south. Whatchamacallit? Hmm..Hey Reapus! Have you seen this? Look at this..I love this red button..”, Kertrump, with a childlike enthusiasm pushes the button.

Before Reapus gets ready to ask what that button is all about, he hears a loud groan of the slumping Bacchanal from behind.

“Bacchanal, You are so fat that you are casting your shadow all over me. Move away from the light. I don’t know which button I pressed…”, Kertrump, trying to locate the right red button.

“Where was I? Yes. It’s about that little boy Jagged. He is like my son. So, be careful what you want to bring to me about him Reap. It better have some real merit in it..”, Kertrump.

“Your Holiness, I have an urgent business to attend to in 15 minutes. If you’d let me, I will cancel that meeting, in the event, your eminence’s reason for summoning me here far exceeds the urgency of that of my oily conversation with one Mr. Trex..”, Reapus holding a palm sized device in his right hand.

“Yes. Of course. But we will be done soon..”, Kertrump continues.

“You know today marks the 100th day since I took charge of this Archdiocese. Before me, these churches were in a terrible shape. The congregation didn’t have proper seats to sit, the candles were half broken and people had brought candles from other places that shouldn’t belong here in the churches, the ceilings were so high, there were too many colors on the window panes instead of what God would’ve wanted — just white window panels, etc. etc. You know all that..?”

“Yes of course, Your Holiness..”, Reapus.

“Look at this church now. Isn’t it beautiful? Everything has changed..for the better..”, Kertrump’s gloating continues.

“Yes. You would be very right My Lord Cardinal. I will ignore the size of the congregation before you took over and what it is these days..”, Reapus.

“C’mon Reapus! I have had bigger congregations. When you walk out of the west nave, you should check out the pictures on the wall. But what I really want to know is why the Pope is so unimpressed with me? Why is the clergy not praising me?”, Kertrump’s voice shifts to a slightly sombre tone.

“My Lord! It must be the crooked path that connects the Vatican walls to the Basilica.. You should read the latest edition of the Vatican Journal..”, Reapus.

“When you say things like that Reap, I don’t know what to tell you or what to do with you. Do I look like I read? You know this is when I feel like I should say YES to Bacchana’s proposal. I won’t tell ya what it is…”, Kertrumper winks with difficulty.

“Well. My Eminent Cardinal, all I am saying is that the Vatican security has been infiltrated by fake sentinels and they are not letting real news reach the Pope..”, Reapus.

“That explains it. That explains it all. We can change that I think. We can kill those fake sentinels soon. But here is why I called you now. Since you are a magic man with words, tell me what is the one thing I can do on my 100th day that would make people forget everything that happened till now and they start talking about what happens today. In other words, what media considers as our 100 day achievements (as ridiculous as they sound), can easily be manipulated by this one thing I am going to do today. Or two things. I want to control their narraive. Like always..”, Kertrumper takes a sip of that caramelized sugar drink.

“Most Eminent Cardinal, I have a thought. Been thinking about it for a while. Here..”, Reapus, opening his phone.

All of a sudden, they hear a loud noise echoing through the high walls of the chamber all the way to the ceiling. It gets louder and louder as the bird assistant gets closer to the altar with a white phone in his hand. He is visibly panicking.

“Your Eminence, You must see this..”, the bird assistant stutters.

“Oh Shit..The wrong button..!!”, Kertrump starts trembling, as he brings his petite sweaty palms together and clasps himself tightly.

Posted in Humor - General, Uncategorized

When Mom goes outta town

Kids, Be Careful what you wish for…

homer-simpson-drunk
That was me – this past weekend. Well, sort of..

When the going gets tough, just remember that there is a fruit waiting for you at the end of your suffering.
-Self Quote

Day 1

“Dad…Is Mom gone?”
“Yes”
Yay!! What’s for dinner?”
“Give me 45 minutes. I’m cooking.”

(Later that evening)
“Don’t know what this is. 
Tastes yummy. You are a great cook Dad..”
“Thank you!”

Day 2

(Lunch)
“Dad, is this the same stuff you made last night?”
“Yes. But I have repaired it a bit today. Tastes better now I think. Do you like it?”
Hmmm. Kinda..

(Dinner)
“Dad, Can we order some food from outside?”
“Sure. But we have to finish the other dish I made yesterday. So a bit of this and a bit of that. Okay?”
What? C’mon! O-k-a-y.

Day 3

“Oh No!! Dad, can you make something else for lunch? Pr..etty please..”
“Well. We have to finish this NOW.”
Argh..

(Dinner)

“Dad, this doesn’t taste like how it did on Thursday. What did you do to this?”
“Oops. Don’t eat that. 
S-T-O-P…N-O-W! I may have added Tayga’s kibble to this.”
Yuck!! Disgusting Dad..

Day 4

“Dad, what..is..fo..wh..well..not really hungry now..Can we eat lunch later?

(Dinner)

“Dad, Can we eat fruits for dinner?”
Sure. Me too. Great idea!!

(Silence for a few hours)
Dad, when’s Mom coming home?

Posted in Humor - General, Miscellaneous, Politics - General, Uncategorized

Mr. Trump – Dr. Seuss Edition

Today is Dr. Seuss’s birthday..
So, How would Dr. Seuss decribe Mr. Trump?
Just a little imagination…

Dr. Seuss Clipart.jpg

Bump, Bump, Bump..

Did you check the latest polls that gave a jump?

He is no wump with a single slump. He is a man called Mr. Trump.

Mr. Trump just got a Super Tuesday jump, after one bump after another bump.

When he takes a dump through his mouth, Mr. Trump gets a seven point jump over every single wump who is running against Mr. Trump.

So, if Mr. Trump wants a bump, he just takes a clump of a dump on the rump of the chump, while he is on the campaign stump.